Anxiety

All posts tagged Anxiety

My Intolerance of people

Published August 11, 2015 by Amplio Recorrido

Stressed

If you have a general intolerance of society or people or you know someone who has this problem, please read this blog to find out more about it, straight from someone who has the problem.

Over the years I’ve lost a lot of people that meant everything to me. People who died and it took a toll on me. I started growing an intolerance to people as I started losing people. The people who meant everything to me, were the people that I could look up to in order to have a good goal in mind of what I wanted to be like. Not that I need to copy someone else but, when you have positive people in your life, you tend to want to be somewhat like them. When those people started dying off, I felt like I didn’t have anyone that I could model their behavior and therefore, I gained an intolerance to people.

My views of people are many and usually negative. I have an intolerance to people who behave badly, scream in public, ignore their kids who are destroying stuff or screaming, fighting among couples, an annoying husband who yells at his wife to come on 20 times in 10 seconds, people who scream at strangers on the road or in cars, who don’t listen, who always do the opposite of what you say, those who play the victim all of the time, those who choose to be “clueless or stupid” when they really are just lazy and oh I could go on and on.

As I’m getting older and the people I cared most about have almost all died off, I find myself heading in a direction that I don’t necessarily like but, I’m also indifferent to what people think about me too. For the simple fact that I don’t do any of the things that I hate from others, I somehow expect people to just get it together and stop acting like complete assholes! I’m sorry for the language but, if I’m passionate enough to write about it then you know it really bothers me. 

I do not have an intolerance to the elderly, small children or the mentally/physically handicapped. They all have reasons for their behavior and it usually cannot be controlled and therefore, it would be unfair of me to be impatient with them. 

I often wonder why people act the way they do. Do they not realize what an obnoxious person they are being? Can they not control their behaviors and their respect for people around them? I almost always avoid society and being in public. When I do go out, I find myself more stressed out and annoyed even after completely minimizing my time out. When I get of public, I feel a sense of relief and for the same reason, I don’t drive. I cannot stand people on the road, they are inconsiderate and dangerous and so if I could avoid being on the road at all, I would! 

So this blog is based around my “at minimum” thoughts which basically means, these are my generalized thoughts and feelings and this blog isn’t a complete explanation of what I go through. However, I hope that it’s of some value to you and that you can somewhat understand my point of view. Thank you!! 

Abusive Dad in the U.K.

Published July 19, 2015 by Amplio Recorrido

I was watching a documentary today called “You’re not splitting up my family”. I’m shocked by how the twin boys were being treated by their father and grandma. Their mother passed away and were being raised by their father who’s an alcoholic and who’s abusive. He kept calling the boys a bastard and telling the social workers that he was going to kill them. 

The boys were constantly in trouble at just 12 years old. They were having a lot of trouble with their mom’s death, their grandma hated them and wanted nothing to do with them. It seems that she caused a lot of the anger that the twin’s father had as she was an abusive grandma. 

Social services continued to stay in their lives and see them for a little more than 12 weeks before removing them from their home with the father. They were both placed with an Aunt and Uncle. The father didn’t have any interest in being back in their lives. He would often say in front of them that he hated them and wanted nothing to do with them. The grandma said the same. I can’t imagine a life like that but, I’m not surprised by their behavior. To see how it was affecting the boys to know they weren’t wanted by anyone except their Aunt and Uncle. It’s just horrible. 

When the boys were 22, they were caught back up with the camera crew who asked them what their lives had been like from age 12-22. The boys had been in quite a bit of trouble, in and out in jail. The camera lady then went to see the grandma who said she wanted nothing to do with the boys still. That she was now blind and didn’t want them stealing from her. She’s happy that they were taken away. Then they met up with the father who’s still drinking heavily and wants nothing to do with the boys either. He claims that he wants them to get their life straightened out yet, he doesn’t have his life straightened out. The one son now has a son and he wants to be a good father to his son. The other one is constantly in and out of jail, homeless and on drugs. 

This is just a basic summary of the documentary but, the reason I wrote this blog is because I was so shocked at how parents hate their children, how having no one affects a child and how the father and grandma in this situation are to blame for the boys behavior. What would you do if you were in this situation? If you have been in this situation, please tell me what it was like. 

Here’s the link to the documentary: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iqMRoGBxegE

Chronic Insomnia

Published July 12, 2015 by Amplio Recorrido

insomnia

So many people sleep at night and they wake up like toast popping out of toasters. I’m not a fan of mornings or morning people so this doesn’t work the same way for me.

I have had Chronic Insomnia for as long as I can remember and I have always found it hard to fall asleep with or without sleep medicine at night. For me, being awake at night while everyone else in my house is sleeping, it gives me a chance to either blog or catch up on all of that work I couldn’t finish during the day. After all, it’s easier to clean up everything when no one is going behind you making a mess.

I honestly don’t see a big problem with insomnia but I, have also become used to being awake at night and it’s what works for me.  I have been told that if I will go to bed early, I will feel great early in the morning. That was not true at all. I felt like crap the next morning even after, sleeping the recommended amount. As a matter of fact, even in the mornings, energy drinks, coffee and soda do not work for me to make me wake up and stay awake. So there it is, I function great at night and horribly during the day. I have never understood morning people and I probably never will.

I had a friend who was the most happy morning person you would ever know. She was wide open at 5:00 am and was able to sustain that energy level the entire day until at least 10 pm. I hated being around her in the morning because, I simply could not be awake much less talking that early (if I had slept). I’m sure you all know that super hyper morning person. 

Chronic insomnia is something that people who don’t have it, don’t understand. You can tell they have no clue by the way they talk to you and talk about you. Suddenly, you’re this irresponsible person who’s immature and lazy. They are the kind of people who start making suggestions about taking substances like Melatonin. Why? So that your body can quickly adapt to it and not be able to sleep without it? NO THANKS! Well, I’ve been up the entire night now and I wrote this blog 9 months ago and forgot to publish it, must be all that sleep I’m missing lol. Thanks for reading! 

Enough is Enough

Published July 10, 2015 by Amplio Recorrido

When is enough, enough? When do life’s challenges become so overwhelming that you know something has to change? Well, let’s talk about it. 

I’m the type of person who’s had a lot of bad things happen to me over the course of my young life and I have handled it all pretty well up until now. I don’t care to go into great detail but I’ll say this, I’ve seen, heard and dealt with way more than I should have and I’ve grown tired of the same problems. Now, many people will judge me and say “Quit making the same mistakes”. I’m not making the same mistakes yet, I’m having similar results. 

I have had a lot of problems for a while now and people don’t seem to understand. I’ve always had some complications with family, people who think they are friends and won’t go away, ex’s, newbies, financial, sexual and physical. The list continues to go on and on and I’m the go to person for every single problem known to man and yet, I certainly don’t have that kind of support in return except on WordPress. I have some pretty great followers here who I can very much relate to. I’m nearly up to 70 followers now and it’s amazing. All I do is write about all the BS things in life and yet, people enjoy my stories and my struggles and I really appreciate that.

Over the years, I’ve tried to gain support and appreciation apparently in all the wrong places. I’ve tried getting people to notice my struggles particularly on Facebook and even family continue to go unnoticed when it comes to myself and my feelings. I think that’s why so many blogs are written here. 

It’s surprising how much people who are somewhat depressed will look for validation from others. The solution often recommended is medication. There’s a medicine for everything these days yet, there are no real solutions. It’s like here take this pill so that you feel better about your bad situation. That’s not a solution to me or anyone else. Then you have the fake supporters, you know the one’s who don’t really want to deal with you. They are the one’s who say things like “Everyone has problems”. Again, this is superficial and isn’t a solution. There are a lot of people who have a problem every now and again and there’s a lot of people who need to carry an umbrella constantly, there’s always a heavy rain cloud hanging over their heads and nothing ever works out. 

For those of you who have something constantly hanging over your head, you’ll completely understand and you’ll be just as frustrated as I am with the superficial people who have no idea what’s going on. Yes, people have problems but, there’s a lot of people that you’ll notice who have superficial problems. The example is “Jane has an engine that won’t start and she requires a new starter for her car”. That’s a temporary problem that doesn’t qualify as “Everyone has problems”. 

I think that I’ve always been a person who’s had too many downfalls and I’m incredibly frustrated by it. I’ve always tried to give people the benefit of the doubt and I’ve helped an incredible amount of people. I’m the one people come to when they want money, someone to vent to, someone for support of some kind and so on. When I want something, I have zero support, everyone disappears. Who else has had that problem? (Please comment below)

Why is it that the people who suck the most life out of you, are never around when you’re in need? What is it that makes people be less empathetic towards situations similar to yours? They are so trusting of you to help them but, they are not trusting enough of you to help you and I know, it sounds like a rant but seriously, I’m so burned out at this point with the way things go and the way that good people are treated like crap and bad people are treated like Kings/Queens. So now the question begins, do I continue to be a good person and suffer or do I become the person who refuses to empathize with anyone, not help anyone with money and collect on that happiness? Since I’ve tried being that great person my whole life, I think I’ll try the other side since the good side has never worked. It seems that the world is a fend for yourself kind of world. 

Anyway, rant over. Enough is enough! 

Not a happy 4th

Published July 4, 2015 by Amplio Recorrido

I absolutely dread the fourth of July and I’ll explain all about it below. 

PTSD N FIREWORKS

Everyone is all excited when the great ol Independence Day comes except two people: Babies and PTSD sufferers. I’m suffering from PTSD and the 4th doesn’t sound like a great thing to me. You see, I’ve been shot and survived and therefore, I’m not interested in anything that goes boom. Hell, I jump whenever someone slams a car door, to hear a constant booming is going to wreck me more than the blown up fireworks. 

I also live in a neighborhood where my neighbors could care less how I feel and they’ll be out shooting off fireworks, guns, drinking and being loud. I won’t be going outside my house this year, nor have I done it any other year. It won’t matter, I can’t escape the sounds. I suppose I’ll be needing to pull out those headphones of mine to drown out the sound and perhaps play some calming music or watch TV through the headphones. 

I dread these types of holiday’s and that goes for New Years too. With all of the excitement surrounding the 4th, I can’t help but wonder if anyone considers that some of us aren’t keen to tremoring and having panic attacks. I would imagine that people who don’t suffer, don’t care. You see, I’ve tried therapy for many years now and it seems that if I’m not actually facing my therapist, I can’t really get through these sort of things on my own and I know that probably sounds stupid to most but, it’s important that I have something to keep my mind off of this. 

All I ask is that if you know you have neighbors with PTSD, please be considerate and don’t shoot off fireworks, guns or anything else that may startle them. You never know how dangerous it can be. If you startle the wrong PTSD sufferer, you may end up dead. Sometimes they panic and start shooting, those are often the one’s who have been in war. Thank you for reading my blog! 

The Tangled Webs We Weave

Published June 5, 2015 by Amplio Recorrido

Everyone knows the famous quote “Oh, the tangled webs we weave, when first we learn to deceive” Let me talk a little about open deception. 

I’m a person of open deception and by that i mean that I put on a face when I’m around people. Allow me to explain. You see, I’m a person with many anxieties, fears, sadness and trauma. However, if I showed people that part of me, I would open myself up to discrimination, hate and negative comments. I recently proved this through telling one person about me in depth. That person was supposedly my friend and I’m real careful about how I describe a friend. Basically, I do this thing where when someone is fairly new in my life, I tell them one or two things about myself that are true to see their reaction. I found that this one though disagreed with how I feel, kept coming around anyway.  After only 2 weeks, she used it to her advantage that I was this person underneath and began verbally abusing me, mocking me and so on. Then she texts and calls later on as if nothing is wrong. Now, I didn’t answer the phone or the text however, I think that she’s trying to use me as a vent.

I’m the kind of person who’s done when I say I’m done and by that, there’s no real second chances. I figure in the case I listed above, if she’s that kind of person after only 2 weeks, what kind of nightmare friend would she be for an eternity. That’s the warning signs that help you to get out of something and fast! So now, you can tell sometimes when a person is wearing a mask unless like myself, they put on a really good poker face. After years of dealing with my emotions and masking them from the world, I’ve gotten pretty good at keeping it from people. Is this a good thing? Well, I’ll tell you the good and the bad.

The Good – It keeps people from knowing they can run over you, abuse you or telling you BS stories that never actually happened to them, in order to make you feel better.

The Bad – If something were to happen to you, say you collapsed or you died, it would leave the people around you completely confused about what happened to you. It makes you feel worse about yourself when you finally escape that social situation.

It doesn’t sound like much of a difference, either way there’s a negative to it and there’s not much you can do about that. Sure, you could tell everyone anything you want about yourself that’s true and end up taking the risks of them either leaving your life or making your business known to the whole world and both are very likely to happen. I believe that a part of being selectively deceptive by omitting information can be both valuable to you and also devastating at the same time. Here’s a prime example:

Say someone commits a crime and the Police interview the suspects mom and she has no clue about his thoughts or feelings prior to this crime, she’s very likely to say “My child wouldn’t do that, they weren’t that kind of person” and other people who do know what that person is about, shakes their head in disbelief. This is an example of a way that it can be detrimental to someone else and to yourself. In the first place, you didn’t think enough of it to go and get help before you did something horrible and you have your family and or friends puzzled as to what’s really going on.

Then you have on the other hand your thoughts, feelings and emotions. You worry that if you tell anyone how you feel, they are going to break out in negativity, make drama out of it or insist you’re crazy and need to get help. You know that you’re not crazy, you know you don’t need more drama and therefore, you’re going to make decisions about what to do. Some people commit suicide, they don’t want to live with the fact that everyone now knows their business. Some people check their self into a mental institution because, they have been convinced they are crazy. Some people start drinking, taking drugs or involving themselves in other risky behaviors, others go looking for love in the wrong places. There are so many different people in this world and you cannot assume that someone hasn’t been through anything or they aren’t struggling just because they have on a mask. If you’re not willing to deal with their issues or be a good support system for them, try to stay out of it. Don’t make a big scene to other people or social media.

I hope you have enjoyed my blog!

 

I Am A Realist

Published May 18, 2015 by Amplio Recorrido

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Realism is something that describes me to the core. I’m a hardcore realist and often times people mistake me for being a pessimist or negative. Allow me to explain.

When I was a child, I always saw things for what they were. Starting at around age 10, I can remember that I never understood people who were overly positive or overly happy and I couldn’t understand people who constantly used the word “hope”. It was an odd thing to me, I had always seen the world for exactly what it was, a mess.

I had a decently good childhood, had both parents and had a lot of what I wanted growing up. I enjoyed keeping it simple though when it came to friends and life in general. I can remember that I was a happy kid for the most part. However, when things went wrong, they went truly wrong and I knew immediately that it was the hands I had been dealt. I was always taught to be totally honest and I believe that’s what jump started my realism. I’ve had people say to me “You know there’s a such thing as being too honest” and I never understood that comment and I still don’t.

I’m the kind of person who doesn’t at all believe in sending “positive messages into the universe”. I think it’s an odd thing to do. The universe doesn’t have feelings and it doesn’t understand concepts and therefore, you’re basically talking to a brick wall. I don’t believe in a positive/negative world. I believe that the world is what it is and there’s not “but” to that. As the world continues to get worse, you’ll occasionally find a few people who are good people but, you’ll also find wolves in sheep’s clothing.

I have a really good and sweet friend who’s very positive most of the time and she truly believes that positivity and working towards dreams pays off and I think it’s absolutely wonderful. It’s made her the person that she is that I love so much however, that’s not at all me and so there’s a conflict of interest. I think she’s sort of drifted away from me, the more that she see’s I’m not one of those sending messages into a universe kind of person. Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate her input and I believe in a creator, I just don’t feel the need to bother God with my issues.

For some people, Realism is a conclusion that you come to when you’re tired of trying so hard for nothing. When your cards are always stacked against you and you find more crap in life than gold. The majority of the time you’ll find that the best people, the one’s who are always helping others are never being helped back. They are the person who gets called on for every thing and when they need something, you can hear crickets chirping. It’s the easiest way to find out who your friends are. Now, the people are the most arrogant and smug, they are the one’s who have everything in life. They have thousands of people they can turn to for anything and they’re the one’s who don’t appreciate it. Those are also the people who are quick to say they are living the American dream.

I have found that many of those who preach “Hope, Dreams, Prosperity and Positive messages” are the one’s who have been successful for so long, they don’t remember a time they had nothing. They believe in their entire soul that all of that is what got them where they are. When in fact, it’s usually some form of luck, people who basically threw money at you or your dreams or some other form of good card dealing.

In conclusion, Realism is basically knowing your limits and the limits of others, staying grounded (not having your head in the clouds), staying true to your roots and being honest with others and yourself. It doesn’t mean that you’ll never be successful, it means that you’re not expecting it and therefore you won’t be disappointed.

End of My Rope

Published February 6, 2015 by Amplio Recorrido

Well, the dreaded mother in law is back. I want to say first off that I did not want her back in our home and I’m really angry that I basically was forced to let her come back here. She came here earlier this week and hasn’t left yet because we haven’t been able to drive her the 2 hours back to her house. Anyway, she was here all of one day before she started in again about we had to take her to kingdom hall and my husband was at work, we only have one car so it wasn’t going to happen so, she says “I’m going to walk” and I laughed because it’s 2 miles from our home, she can barely walk through the house muchless 2 miles away. She tells me that she must walk because she “has to put in hours for Jehovah”. Oh my God, so anyway, she takes off walking and she’s gone 3 minutes and comes back and says “It’s too hot, I can’t do it, so now what am I supposed to do”. I have no idea what she’s supposed to do, I’m without a car when my husband’s at work.

So then Wednesday night comes around and she’s like “I need you to take me to kingdom hall tomorrow night” and my husband says to her “I told you that we’re not involved with those people and we’re not going to drive you to kingdom hall, you need to call over there and have someone from the organization give you a ride” well that just set her off and she wanted to leave, which by the way, she’s always threatening to do. So she ends up calling and talking to I guess an Elder who tells her that they will have someone pick her up and they will call her when they are on their way. Ok, so she doesn’t hear anything by mid day yesterday and so again she starts in about us taking her to kingdom hall, we’re not going to take her and we reminded her of that again. So finally, she gets in touch with someone who comes to pick her up and she leaves. We always know that when she goes to the meetings, she comes back with a vengeance. I have no idea what they are teaching her about “worldly people” but whatever it is, it’s causing her to come back filled with hate. 

So last night I ended up talking to my husband about things going on here and what I needed from him. We ended up raising our voices a little but we were still in the privacy of our bedroom. Well, I hear her slamming doors, boxes and throwing a bunch of stuff in boxes and bags. Her room wall is shared with my son’s room wall and it’s 3:30 in the morning and I’m pissed off because she’s making a bunch of noise pitching a temper tantrum. So I tell my husband, “You need to go in there and tell her to stop her bullshit or she can go walking back home”. He gets up and goes in there and she’s got her head spinning in a 360 degree spin, she’s still slamming boxes and yelling about how much she hates me and she’s leaving and this and that. My husband said “I don’t give a damn what you’re mad about but you’re not going to wake up the baby”. So he walks away and she’s still fuming and she slams one more box and then finally stops.

I told my husband that I’m not going to deal with this and that she shouldn’t have been here to begin with and she needs to return home but, we’re not taking her. I have plans for today and I have plans this weekend and neither includes driving her 2 hours back to her house. I’m actually rather annoyed with this attitude and idea that she’s actually going somewhere when she gets mad. We don’t have money to be making those kind of trips, she doesn’t have a car or anyone who lives anywhere near our house and there’s no bus line. I know that she’ll be on the phone with her other son soon enough expecting him to drive all the way out here and because he’s such a mama’s boy, I’m sure he’ll do it.

Most importantly, I don’t care what she thinks about me at all and I don’t need her help or support. All I’m concerned about is how my son feels. He’s almost 2 years old and she’s just emotionally damaging him by walking in and out of his life. My son already doesn’t have his grandpa in his life because he was nuts and acts crazy and does stupid things just like she does. I don’t need this kind of dysfunction and stress in his life or mine. I could honestly care less that she hates me. As long as he’s not hurt by it then I don’t care. I know that with his Autism and him being a toddler right now, he can’t possibly understand what’s going on so this has to be hard on him. I’m at the end of my rope and I think it’s honestly worse that she’s here than if she’s gone. I just know that I can’t take this anymore.

The Schizo Lifestyle

Published December 14, 2014 by Amplio Recorrido

My husband was diagnosed with Schizoaffective 2 years ago and at first we were wondering what could be done for him. They put him on every medication they could and nothing helped. Finally, they put him on Xanax that was for “Emergency use only” and basically if he would have a manic fit in public or at home, he would take a Xanax to relieve the symptoms temporarily. That worked for a long time but now, he’s not taking the medication anymore because it’s not helping him and he doesn’t want to go any higher on the dose because he’s afraid he’ll be taking too much and on top of that more than one pill makes him sleepy.

I have noticed that over the past year my husband has been declining in his mental health. He sleeps a lot and gets sidetracked all of the time. He spends a lot more time doing useless things like spending too much time on Facebook, Twitter and Sports websites. He doesn’t spend much time with us anymore and he’s become very animated where he sings random songs when no music is playing and he talks randomly on and on about nothing. He definitely doesn’t help much around the house and when he does it’s because I’ve literally bitched at him until he does it. He’s become a lot more argumentative about everything and does not handle constructive criticism at all. Anytime that I bring to his attention that he’s acting out, he says that I’m making it up, basically lying about it. Afterall, he doesn’t see things for what they really are.

He has a lot of OCD’s including being afraid of ants and seeing germs that they “leave behind”, washing his hands a lot and compulsively checking Facebook. For a long time he would become extremely upset if our son got dirty or made any messes because he expected him to know that messes are “dirty” and “Germey” lucky for us, he has since lightened up on that part and he’s no longer bothered by it.

There’s so much more I could write but, I would be here all night. All I can say is that living with a Schizo is one of the hardest things you’ll have to endure. It’s so difficult to see what they see and live in their world even for a minute. I’m hoping that at some point, things will turn around and he’ll be able to function again normally.

If any of you have similar circumstances or know more about this condition, please comment below. Thanks!

My Living Nightmare

Published December 12, 2014 by Amplio Recorrido

So as many of you know, I have written a couple of blogs concerning my family life with my mother in law. I have become extremely frustrated with the way things are turning out. I’m starting to wonder if the Jehovah’s Witnesses are even part of this because, though she often uses Jehovah and what she’s learning inside the Kingdom Hall as her defense, it’s clear to me that this is more mental illness than anything.

She’s been staying with us for the past 3 weeks and it’s been nothing but trouble. She often gives me lectures on how a blanket that my son has, which was a gift from his grandpa is bad and is causing his Autism. It’s a Catholic blanket. He also has a ninja turtle blanket that she complains about. She will not allow him to watch Super Why, Popeye or anything she deems “inappropriate” though this is my house and I finally had enough and I said, if you don’t like the way we live, you can either go back to your house or go into your bedroom. She’s constantly walking through the house making loud sighs and slamming doors over seemingly nothing. I’ve grown tired of this ridiculous behavior.

Recently, she wanted to go to the Kingdom Hall up the street, we took her there but it was closed. She got extremely angry with us because we would not drive her 45 minutes to the next Kingdom Hall. She will not take any jokes whatsoever that are not even targeted towards her religion. She gets extremely frustrated with us because we won’t allow her to be a helicopter parent to our son and we won’t allow her to spoon feed him because, he’s big enough to feed himself. She’s also angry because we won’t allow her to rock him to sleep and run to him every time he whines. We’ve noticed that our son is beginning to revert back to a baby like stage since she’s been here. He’s not talking anymore, just babbling and making noise. He’s not walking much anymore, just crawling again. We want to take her home, 2 hours away but right now we don’t have the gas.

I wish someone would please tell me what my options are because I’m extremely burned out with this. On top of that, Christmas is coming up and she’s become very hostile about it. She’s been saying things like “I will not participate in the demon holiday and I will not allow you to keep me here while you celebrate the demon holiday”. I don’t want her here ruining my life further. I’m so sick of the temper tantrums and the nonsense she spews. I’ve just had enough. The only thing I hate is forcing her out of my son’s life because he doesn’t understand all of this but I know, as a parent I have to be protective of him and do what’s in his best interest and she’s doing more harm than good emotionally.