Anxiety

All posts in the Anxiety category

My Intolerance of people

Published August 11, 2015 by Amplio Recorrido

Stressed

If you have a general intolerance of society or people or you know someone who has this problem, please read this blog to find out more about it, straight from someone who has the problem.

Over the years I’ve lost a lot of people that meant everything to me. People who died and it took a toll on me. I started growing an intolerance to people as I started losing people. The people who meant everything to me, were the people that I could look up to in order to have a good goal in mind of what I wanted to be like. Not that I need to copy someone else but, when you have positive people in your life, you tend to want to be somewhat like them. When those people started dying off, I felt like I didn’t have anyone that I could model their behavior and therefore, I gained an intolerance to people.

My views of people are many and usually negative. I have an intolerance to people who behave badly, scream in public, ignore their kids who are destroying stuff or screaming, fighting among couples, an annoying husband who yells at his wife to come on 20 times in 10 seconds, people who scream at strangers on the road or in cars, who don’t listen, who always do the opposite of what you say, those who play the victim all of the time, those who choose to be “clueless or stupid” when they really are just lazy and oh I could go on and on.

As I’m getting older and the people I cared most about have almost all died off, I find myself heading in a direction that I don’t necessarily like but, I’m also indifferent to what people think about me too. For the simple fact that I don’t do any of the things that I hate from others, I somehow expect people to just get it together and stop acting like complete assholes! I’m sorry for the language but, if I’m passionate enough to write about it then you know it really bothers me. 

I do not have an intolerance to the elderly, small children or the mentally/physically handicapped. They all have reasons for their behavior and it usually cannot be controlled and therefore, it would be unfair of me to be impatient with them. 

I often wonder why people act the way they do. Do they not realize what an obnoxious person they are being? Can they not control their behaviors and their respect for people around them? I almost always avoid society and being in public. When I do go out, I find myself more stressed out and annoyed even after completely minimizing my time out. When I get of public, I feel a sense of relief and for the same reason, I don’t drive. I cannot stand people on the road, they are inconsiderate and dangerous and so if I could avoid being on the road at all, I would! 

So this blog is based around my “at minimum” thoughts which basically means, these are my generalized thoughts and feelings and this blog isn’t a complete explanation of what I go through. However, I hope that it’s of some value to you and that you can somewhat understand my point of view. Thank you!! 

Abusive Dad in the U.K.

Published July 19, 2015 by Amplio Recorrido

I was watching a documentary today called “You’re not splitting up my family”. I’m shocked by how the twin boys were being treated by their father and grandma. Their mother passed away and were being raised by their father who’s an alcoholic and who’s abusive. He kept calling the boys a bastard and telling the social workers that he was going to kill them. 

The boys were constantly in trouble at just 12 years old. They were having a lot of trouble with their mom’s death, their grandma hated them and wanted nothing to do with them. It seems that she caused a lot of the anger that the twin’s father had as she was an abusive grandma. 

Social services continued to stay in their lives and see them for a little more than 12 weeks before removing them from their home with the father. They were both placed with an Aunt and Uncle. The father didn’t have any interest in being back in their lives. He would often say in front of them that he hated them and wanted nothing to do with them. The grandma said the same. I can’t imagine a life like that but, I’m not surprised by their behavior. To see how it was affecting the boys to know they weren’t wanted by anyone except their Aunt and Uncle. It’s just horrible. 

When the boys were 22, they were caught back up with the camera crew who asked them what their lives had been like from age 12-22. The boys had been in quite a bit of trouble, in and out in jail. The camera lady then went to see the grandma who said she wanted nothing to do with the boys still. That she was now blind and didn’t want them stealing from her. She’s happy that they were taken away. Then they met up with the father who’s still drinking heavily and wants nothing to do with the boys either. He claims that he wants them to get their life straightened out yet, he doesn’t have his life straightened out. The one son now has a son and he wants to be a good father to his son. The other one is constantly in and out of jail, homeless and on drugs. 

This is just a basic summary of the documentary but, the reason I wrote this blog is because I was so shocked at how parents hate their children, how having no one affects a child and how the father and grandma in this situation are to blame for the boys behavior. What would you do if you were in this situation? If you have been in this situation, please tell me what it was like. 

Here’s the link to the documentary: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iqMRoGBxegE

Chronic Insomnia

Published July 12, 2015 by Amplio Recorrido

insomnia

So many people sleep at night and they wake up like toast popping out of toasters. I’m not a fan of mornings or morning people so this doesn’t work the same way for me.

I have had Chronic Insomnia for as long as I can remember and I have always found it hard to fall asleep with or without sleep medicine at night. For me, being awake at night while everyone else in my house is sleeping, it gives me a chance to either blog or catch up on all of that work I couldn’t finish during the day. After all, it’s easier to clean up everything when no one is going behind you making a mess.

I honestly don’t see a big problem with insomnia but I, have also become used to being awake at night and it’s what works for me.  I have been told that if I will go to bed early, I will feel great early in the morning. That was not true at all. I felt like crap the next morning even after, sleeping the recommended amount. As a matter of fact, even in the mornings, energy drinks, coffee and soda do not work for me to make me wake up and stay awake. So there it is, I function great at night and horribly during the day. I have never understood morning people and I probably never will.

I had a friend who was the most happy morning person you would ever know. She was wide open at 5:00 am and was able to sustain that energy level the entire day until at least 10 pm. I hated being around her in the morning because, I simply could not be awake much less talking that early (if I had slept). I’m sure you all know that super hyper morning person. 

Chronic insomnia is something that people who don’t have it, don’t understand. You can tell they have no clue by the way they talk to you and talk about you. Suddenly, you’re this irresponsible person who’s immature and lazy. They are the kind of people who start making suggestions about taking substances like Melatonin. Why? So that your body can quickly adapt to it and not be able to sleep without it? NO THANKS! Well, I’ve been up the entire night now and I wrote this blog 9 months ago and forgot to publish it, must be all that sleep I’m missing lol. Thanks for reading! 

Enough is Enough

Published July 10, 2015 by Amplio Recorrido

When is enough, enough? When do life’s challenges become so overwhelming that you know something has to change? Well, let’s talk about it. 

I’m the type of person who’s had a lot of bad things happen to me over the course of my young life and I have handled it all pretty well up until now. I don’t care to go into great detail but I’ll say this, I’ve seen, heard and dealt with way more than I should have and I’ve grown tired of the same problems. Now, many people will judge me and say “Quit making the same mistakes”. I’m not making the same mistakes yet, I’m having similar results. 

I have had a lot of problems for a while now and people don’t seem to understand. I’ve always had some complications with family, people who think they are friends and won’t go away, ex’s, newbies, financial, sexual and physical. The list continues to go on and on and I’m the go to person for every single problem known to man and yet, I certainly don’t have that kind of support in return except on WordPress. I have some pretty great followers here who I can very much relate to. I’m nearly up to 70 followers now and it’s amazing. All I do is write about all the BS things in life and yet, people enjoy my stories and my struggles and I really appreciate that.

Over the years, I’ve tried to gain support and appreciation apparently in all the wrong places. I’ve tried getting people to notice my struggles particularly on Facebook and even family continue to go unnoticed when it comes to myself and my feelings. I think that’s why so many blogs are written here. 

It’s surprising how much people who are somewhat depressed will look for validation from others. The solution often recommended is medication. There’s a medicine for everything these days yet, there are no real solutions. It’s like here take this pill so that you feel better about your bad situation. That’s not a solution to me or anyone else. Then you have the fake supporters, you know the one’s who don’t really want to deal with you. They are the one’s who say things like “Everyone has problems”. Again, this is superficial and isn’t a solution. There are a lot of people who have a problem every now and again and there’s a lot of people who need to carry an umbrella constantly, there’s always a heavy rain cloud hanging over their heads and nothing ever works out. 

For those of you who have something constantly hanging over your head, you’ll completely understand and you’ll be just as frustrated as I am with the superficial people who have no idea what’s going on. Yes, people have problems but, there’s a lot of people that you’ll notice who have superficial problems. The example is “Jane has an engine that won’t start and she requires a new starter for her car”. That’s a temporary problem that doesn’t qualify as “Everyone has problems”. 

I think that I’ve always been a person who’s had too many downfalls and I’m incredibly frustrated by it. I’ve always tried to give people the benefit of the doubt and I’ve helped an incredible amount of people. I’m the one people come to when they want money, someone to vent to, someone for support of some kind and so on. When I want something, I have zero support, everyone disappears. Who else has had that problem? (Please comment below)

Why is it that the people who suck the most life out of you, are never around when you’re in need? What is it that makes people be less empathetic towards situations similar to yours? They are so trusting of you to help them but, they are not trusting enough of you to help you and I know, it sounds like a rant but seriously, I’m so burned out at this point with the way things go and the way that good people are treated like crap and bad people are treated like Kings/Queens. So now the question begins, do I continue to be a good person and suffer or do I become the person who refuses to empathize with anyone, not help anyone with money and collect on that happiness? Since I’ve tried being that great person my whole life, I think I’ll try the other side since the good side has never worked. It seems that the world is a fend for yourself kind of world. 

Anyway, rant over. Enough is enough! 

Not a happy 4th

Published July 4, 2015 by Amplio Recorrido

I absolutely dread the fourth of July and I’ll explain all about it below. 

PTSD N FIREWORKS

Everyone is all excited when the great ol Independence Day comes except two people: Babies and PTSD sufferers. I’m suffering from PTSD and the 4th doesn’t sound like a great thing to me. You see, I’ve been shot and survived and therefore, I’m not interested in anything that goes boom. Hell, I jump whenever someone slams a car door, to hear a constant booming is going to wreck me more than the blown up fireworks. 

I also live in a neighborhood where my neighbors could care less how I feel and they’ll be out shooting off fireworks, guns, drinking and being loud. I won’t be going outside my house this year, nor have I done it any other year. It won’t matter, I can’t escape the sounds. I suppose I’ll be needing to pull out those headphones of mine to drown out the sound and perhaps play some calming music or watch TV through the headphones. 

I dread these types of holiday’s and that goes for New Years too. With all of the excitement surrounding the 4th, I can’t help but wonder if anyone considers that some of us aren’t keen to tremoring and having panic attacks. I would imagine that people who don’t suffer, don’t care. You see, I’ve tried therapy for many years now and it seems that if I’m not actually facing my therapist, I can’t really get through these sort of things on my own and I know that probably sounds stupid to most but, it’s important that I have something to keep my mind off of this. 

All I ask is that if you know you have neighbors with PTSD, please be considerate and don’t shoot off fireworks, guns or anything else that may startle them. You never know how dangerous it can be. If you startle the wrong PTSD sufferer, you may end up dead. Sometimes they panic and start shooting, those are often the one’s who have been in war. Thank you for reading my blog! 

Update: My Autistic Toddler

Published June 15, 2015 by Amplio Recorrido

So my son who’s 2 1/2 years old now is starting to speak somewhat. He can say Taco, Eat, Juice, Mama, Daddy, Bye Bye, Cat and his name. So, we’re encouraging him to keep saying those words and trying not to add too many new words. He babbles so much that we know he knows what he’s talking about, no one else understands him though most of the time, including us.

He’s still in Early Intervention but, they don’t seem to work with him like I thought they would. They aren’t encouraging him to talk or learn new skills. The woman who comes is mostly silent other than trying to get him to learn sign language. I’m concerned about whether or not this is good for him. I don’t mind if he learns sign language, I’m just not thrilled about the little progress being made by these people. They really seem to slack off and the woman seems to not care about her job anymore.

I’ve decided to join many Autistic mom groups, I’m hoping that through there I can receive better support and understand of my son’s condition. We’re still struggling with his OCD’s. He has a fascination with turning lights on and off a certain number of times, watching the same cartoons over and over, right now he’s in the Thomas The Train phase and Bob Zoom (an obnoxious cartoon filled with Spanish kids songs). My son understands much more Spanish than English and so it’s something we’re working on.

I can see that it’s getting harder and more frustrating to get his attention. He’s your typical 2 year old cute ball of terror and with the lack of language skills and showing little interest in other kids or productive activities, I’m at a loss on what to do. I know and understand that kids like same, same, same every single day but, his need for the same thing constantly isn’t working around what we need to get done. He likes going out for no more than 10 minutes which makes it complicated for me to go to the store, to the post office or any other adult thing that must be done. If anyone here can give me some advice I would greatly appreciate it!

The Tangled Webs We Weave

Published June 5, 2015 by Amplio Recorrido

Everyone knows the famous quote “Oh, the tangled webs we weave, when first we learn to deceive” Let me talk a little about open deception. 

I’m a person of open deception and by that i mean that I put on a face when I’m around people. Allow me to explain. You see, I’m a person with many anxieties, fears, sadness and trauma. However, if I showed people that part of me, I would open myself up to discrimination, hate and negative comments. I recently proved this through telling one person about me in depth. That person was supposedly my friend and I’m real careful about how I describe a friend. Basically, I do this thing where when someone is fairly new in my life, I tell them one or two things about myself that are true to see their reaction. I found that this one though disagreed with how I feel, kept coming around anyway.  After only 2 weeks, she used it to her advantage that I was this person underneath and began verbally abusing me, mocking me and so on. Then she texts and calls later on as if nothing is wrong. Now, I didn’t answer the phone or the text however, I think that she’s trying to use me as a vent.

I’m the kind of person who’s done when I say I’m done and by that, there’s no real second chances. I figure in the case I listed above, if she’s that kind of person after only 2 weeks, what kind of nightmare friend would she be for an eternity. That’s the warning signs that help you to get out of something and fast! So now, you can tell sometimes when a person is wearing a mask unless like myself, they put on a really good poker face. After years of dealing with my emotions and masking them from the world, I’ve gotten pretty good at keeping it from people. Is this a good thing? Well, I’ll tell you the good and the bad.

The Good – It keeps people from knowing they can run over you, abuse you or telling you BS stories that never actually happened to them, in order to make you feel better.

The Bad – If something were to happen to you, say you collapsed or you died, it would leave the people around you completely confused about what happened to you. It makes you feel worse about yourself when you finally escape that social situation.

It doesn’t sound like much of a difference, either way there’s a negative to it and there’s not much you can do about that. Sure, you could tell everyone anything you want about yourself that’s true and end up taking the risks of them either leaving your life or making your business known to the whole world and both are very likely to happen. I believe that a part of being selectively deceptive by omitting information can be both valuable to you and also devastating at the same time. Here’s a prime example:

Say someone commits a crime and the Police interview the suspects mom and she has no clue about his thoughts or feelings prior to this crime, she’s very likely to say “My child wouldn’t do that, they weren’t that kind of person” and other people who do know what that person is about, shakes their head in disbelief. This is an example of a way that it can be detrimental to someone else and to yourself. In the first place, you didn’t think enough of it to go and get help before you did something horrible and you have your family and or friends puzzled as to what’s really going on.

Then you have on the other hand your thoughts, feelings and emotions. You worry that if you tell anyone how you feel, they are going to break out in negativity, make drama out of it or insist you’re crazy and need to get help. You know that you’re not crazy, you know you don’t need more drama and therefore, you’re going to make decisions about what to do. Some people commit suicide, they don’t want to live with the fact that everyone now knows their business. Some people check their self into a mental institution because, they have been convinced they are crazy. Some people start drinking, taking drugs or involving themselves in other risky behaviors, others go looking for love in the wrong places. There are so many different people in this world and you cannot assume that someone hasn’t been through anything or they aren’t struggling just because they have on a mask. If you’re not willing to deal with their issues or be a good support system for them, try to stay out of it. Don’t make a big scene to other people or social media.

I hope you have enjoyed my blog!