The Nervous Breakdown

Published December 8, 2014 by Amplio Recorrido

I decided to write this blog because right now I’m experiencing a mental breakdown so please, allow me the time here to explain everything.

I don’t have this problem often but right now, I feel as though I’m not connected to myself. I know that sounds strange but it’s almost like I’m watching myself away from my body. I don’t feel depressed or suicidal, I just feel a complete disconnect. When people are talking to me tonight, I barely hear anything they say. It almost sounds like they are speaking from a distance into a tunnel.

I have been having some stress with my husband lately. About 2 years ago, we found out that he has Schizoaffective and though he doesn’t have hallucinations, he does verbalize every single tiny thought that he has and he has a lot of issues where if one little thing doesn’t work right, he gets manic, he also has problems with communication and studders a lot. Fine, that’s not really the issue. However, I have become zoned out when it comes to his problems. I feel as though I have so many difficulties of my own that I cannot deal with his constant issues. I love him but, I’m growing tired. Anytime I go to relax, he comes right in the same room I’m in and talks through the entire TV show I’m watching and he constantly says every little tiny thing on his mind. He’s always interrupting my phone conversations with his excessive talking or he’s in the background yelling about something he perceives as something major that’s actually very minor.

On top of that stress, I have a child with autism who can’t handle anymore than his father can and it’s basically like having two kids with autism. I’m a lot more patient with my son because I know that there’s hope for him and I love him very much and i know that none of this is his fault. My husband used to help me a lot with our son but now, he’s at a point to where he would much rather be focused on either being mad about something, watching TV or obsessing over sports. Then, when I ask him to do any task around the house, you would think I just asked him to jump off a bridge. Another problem I have is every time I say something to him, it’s almost like I never said anything and usually end up repeating myself. i have tried talking to him about all of the various issues but he just keeps arguing with me and saying that’s not the way it is.

I love my husband very much but, the problems that he’s having mentally that have increased over the past year are taking a toll on me. He’s not physically abusive so that’s a good thing but, I’m just losing all of my patience. If it wasn’t for our son, I could very easily just walk away. I know that people are supposed to see a marriage through but honestly, I don’t see myself being with him the rest of my life if he can’t get his issues under control. I just want some peace, I’m not asking for much. Our car has been broken down for nearly a week now and I’m really stressing because the only outside time I get is going to the backyard and that does help some but, sometimes I just need to drive. I don’t drink or party and I have only a few friends (by choice). I work from home through an online business that I have and it’s simply not enough because my husband isn’t working right now and so we’re stuck together 24/7. That’s making it all worse.

I’m constantly having to be after my husband to do things, to take his meds, to help with whatever needs to be done, to go to the store when our car was working and anything else. I’ve grown tired of being the main adult in this family who’s trying to keep it all together. On top of that, I have a mother in law who stays with us and it’s been a nightmare because she gets mad over every little thing and is annoyed by so much stuff. Now, I don’t want any of you to take anything I have said the wrong way as far as my son is concerned. He’s never in danger or hearing anything that’s going on because he’s either outside playing in the backyard or sleeping.

I was doing pretty good today until i went to relax and my husband decided to verbalize every tiny thought that entered his mind, which by the way, is never of any meaning. He just talks and talks about virtually nothing and when I go to talk to him about serious issues, he just basically shuts down and he has told me that he doesn’t mean to be this way and that he feels like he has no control over it. We haven’t had much luck in finding him a viable treatment for his mania. I feel very lucky though that he’s not like most manic’s who are alcoholic’s or abusers. He does have good self control as far as that goes and he doesn’t drink alcohol at all anymore, he stopped about 4 years ago. I don’t feel like I’m in danger of anything, I just feel like my mind can’t take anymore stress and so I decided to lock myself in my bedroom to write this blog just to have some quiet time.

Comment and let me know if you have experienced this and what you think about it. Insulting comments towards me will be rejected and trashed.

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3 comments on “The Nervous Breakdown

  • Jeeez you’re under a lot of stress. And stress can be brutal … will you see a doctor and/or therapist? I have bipolar 1 – I reckon if I was married to me I’d go nuts. When I babble manically, talk too much .. what helps most is physical exercise or sleep or something to do. It’s veeeery hard to focus in that state. I really hope you have or can get some support. Sorry you have to go through so much.

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  • Yes, I’m very much under a lot of stress. I have been seeing a therapist but she didn’t help me and after a few months, I ended up walking away because she was causing me more stress, rather than helping me. She wouldn’t allow me to express my negative feelings, she only wanted me to tell her positive things and I couldn’t do it and it didn’t seem like a good match. It really is hard for me to focus when I have someone talking and talking in my ear. You described it best when you said “babbleing”. On top of that, my autistic toddler is always hanging on to my clothes literally and crying the second I pull away to do something around the house. Then I have my husband following me through every room endlessly talking about seemingly nothing. I can’t imagine how siamese twins feel lol, probably the same as I do. I do appreciate your comment because it helps me to understand what’s going on in the brain. My husband hasn’t been able to effectively describe what’s going on in his mind.

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  • The current issue for the Awake magazine (one of the magazines JW’s distribute) is based on what we should know about mental disorders.
    According to the World Health Organization (WHO), “One in four people will be affected by mental disorder at some point in their lives. Depression is the single largest contributor to worldwide disability. Schizophrenia and bipolar disorder are among the more severe and disabling disorders.”
    Clearly by reading your blog post, I see how gravely you are affected by your husbands disorder and behavior and while I am very sorry, I know that my words and the words of anyone else can’t fix the pain.
    Now I know you don’t affiliate too much with JW’s and I understand why due to your prior post, but I would like to share a couple of things with you.
    The first is my favorite scripture that always brings me comfort in times of distress.
    It can be found at Psalms 34:18
    “Jehovah is close to the brokenhearted;
    He saves those who are crushed in spirit.”
    Second, I’d like to share a link with you about mental disorders.

    http://www.jw.org/en/publications/magazines/g201412/mental-health-disorders/

    Though I can’t make miracles happen, you as well as your entire family will be in my prayers. I hope you receive the love and support you need during this overwhelming time!

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