I decided to write this blog because right now I’m experiencing a mental breakdown so please, allow me the time here to explain everything.
I don’t have this problem often but right now, I feel as though I’m not connected to myself. I know that sounds strange but it’s almost like I’m watching myself away from my body. I don’t feel depressed or suicidal, I just feel a complete disconnect. When people are talking to me tonight, I barely hear anything they say. It almost sounds like they are speaking from a distance into a tunnel.
I have been having some stress with my husband lately. About 2 years ago, we found out that he has Schizoaffective and though he doesn’t have hallucinations, he does verbalize every single tiny thought that he has and he has a lot of issues where if one little thing doesn’t work right, he gets manic, he also has problems with communication and studders a lot. Fine, that’s not really the issue. However, I have become zoned out when it comes to his problems. I feel as though I have so many difficulties of my own that I cannot deal with his constant issues. I love him but, I’m growing tired. Anytime I go to relax, he comes right in the same room I’m in and talks through the entire TV show I’m watching and he constantly says every little tiny thing on his mind. He’s always interrupting my phone conversations with his excessive talking or he’s in the background yelling about something he perceives as something major that’s actually very minor.
On top of that stress, I have a child with autism who can’t handle anymore than his father can and it’s basically like having two kids with autism. I’m a lot more patient with my son because I know that there’s hope for him and I love him very much and i know that none of this is his fault. My husband used to help me a lot with our son but now, he’s at a point to where he would much rather be focused on either being mad about something, watching TV or obsessing over sports. Then, when I ask him to do any task around the house, you would think I just asked him to jump off a bridge. Another problem I have is every time I say something to him, it’s almost like I never said anything and usually end up repeating myself. i have tried talking to him about all of the various issues but he just keeps arguing with me and saying that’s not the way it is.
I love my husband very much but, the problems that he’s having mentally that have increased over the past year are taking a toll on me. He’s not physically abusive so that’s a good thing but, I’m just losing all of my patience. If it wasn’t for our son, I could very easily just walk away. I know that people are supposed to see a marriage through but honestly, I don’t see myself being with him the rest of my life if he can’t get his issues under control. I just want some peace, I’m not asking for much. Our car has been broken down for nearly a week now and I’m really stressing because the only outside time I get is going to the backyard and that does help some but, sometimes I just need to drive. I don’t drink or party and I have only a few friends (by choice). I work from home through an online business that I have and it’s simply not enough because my husband isn’t working right now and so we’re stuck together 24/7. That’s making it all worse.
I’m constantly having to be after my husband to do things, to take his meds, to help with whatever needs to be done, to go to the store when our car was working and anything else. I’ve grown tired of being the main adult in this family who’s trying to keep it all together. On top of that, I have a mother in law who stays with us and it’s been a nightmare because she gets mad over every little thing and is annoyed by so much stuff. Now, I don’t want any of you to take anything I have said the wrong way as far as my son is concerned. He’s never in danger or hearing anything that’s going on because he’s either outside playing in the backyard or sleeping.
I was doing pretty good today until i went to relax and my husband decided to verbalize every tiny thought that entered his mind, which by the way, is never of any meaning. He just talks and talks about virtually nothing and when I go to talk to him about serious issues, he just basically shuts down and he has told me that he doesn’t mean to be this way and that he feels like he has no control over it. We haven’t had much luck in finding him a viable treatment for his mania. I feel very lucky though that he’s not like most manic’s who are alcoholic’s or abusers. He does have good self control as far as that goes and he doesn’t drink alcohol at all anymore, he stopped about 4 years ago. I don’t feel like I’m in danger of anything, I just feel like my mind can’t take anymore stress and so I decided to lock myself in my bedroom to write this blog just to have some quiet time.
Comment and let me know if you have experienced this and what you think about it. Insulting comments towards me will be rejected and trashed.